Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in baby_angel666's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
3:38 am	rock bottom i had my last cigg tonight... BB came over smelt that i had smoked and said he never wanted to see me again. i have been trying to quit smokin but its harder then i thought ive gone 6 days.. i didnt even smoke after my hardest exam. i am trying i swear i am! even if BB was upset i would have stopped cause im better then this. ive been fucking up my life recently..pissing off my rents, not going to class, smoking, failing classes, stealin... but i just realized ive hit rock bottom.. the only thing i have under control is my eating disorder, ive been eating well, not throwin up(except that once that i regret so much it akes just thinking about it) but i deserve better. before i thgouht this was as good as i could do.. but saturday night bb came over n talked to me privatelyt after and said "show ur belly and be friends with ur rents" since then ive been nice to my rents, ive listened to them, followed thier rules and gone out of my way to be nice n helpful. and truthfully i i feel better. i want to go back to myself that i used to be in grade 9 but maturer, sexier n without the eating disorder. i think i can do it, im not saying its easy n it cant happen over night but i can n will change cause if the man that means the most to me says that im not special anymore n ive changed for the worse then i know ive hit rock bottom. my last thing i need to say is BB i lvoe u and i dont want u to kick me out of ur life. im soo sorry love forever, Baby Angel Current Mood: heart broken (Comment on this)
Friday, May 20th, 2005
10:39 pm	i sit here running the blade over my skin thinking of all the pain that seems to never subside. the cold steal feels so relaxing pressed agaist my skin, waiting to break the skin n let the pain run from my vains. i look up and see my face straring back at me through the mirror on my confining walls. A face once pure, happy n full of life stares at me with no sparkle, no ounce of hope is left in my soul and everyday it becomes more visable through my blue eyes. i press the blade harder against my wrist waitign for this pain to go away, for my life to be over so the ppl that i use to love will be happy and worry free. before today u were the only person keeping me from breaking the skin, letting the blood flow over my pure skin. today is the first day i have gone without u and the blade has never been so hard. for now i wait, waiting until i knwo forsure that this is the best my life will be withoiut u... i was happy before, i was loved and ppl cared about me. now no one even knows i exist. i went 3 daya without eating n no one even noticed i lost 7 pounds... every one says that they r concerned about my weight n my eating but truthfully no one give a crap. mayeb ill just not eat n die of malnutriton... nbo checks if i eat these days so y should i care. the one person that acually noticed doesn't give a damn if i eat or not. 3 weeks without eating will show i have will power... will show that ppl dont notice.... it will show he doesn't love me once and forall... this is my warning to all who care if i die... if u care tell me cause u might just convince me to stay on this earth. good bye all of those who care... and those who dont: i hope i didn't make ur lives to bad. From: Baby Angel. (Samantha) Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
9:59 am	y is it so hard for me to realize that u dont love me anymore?? y do i have to torture myself by pretending im happy?? i want to be free n be able to move on from u. when i was with adam i just didn't feel anything... ya it was ok fling but i felt superior to him cause i was more experienced n more mature... guys my age dont excite me... they r nervous n anoying. but y am i still after u?? y do i have to be punish everyday cause i cabt get u out of my mind!! please kill me n relieve me of my misary!! i dont want to live if im not urs ... u love someone else now... n my heart will never heal from that. forever broken n forever scared by a hand i thought wuled be the one to protect me from such harms. the same love i thpught bwould last forever bgut ended suddenly n my love for him was replaced in mire days... no suffering for him but i sit here now wishing to see his face once more... g-d if ur listeninng please help me.. get me throughb this... i am smoking 1-2 times a day n i cant afford it anymore... send me a guy that can heal me heart n make me happier then i have ever been. the flame i thught would never die has gone out.. his flame is lit once more while mine still longs for his fire... light my flame n make me happy once more. E.D i know its been a while but i will see u again soon.. i thgouht i culd do it without u but i was wrong... ur my only friend again.. just dont make me bleed this time please... E.D is my only escape. the strong: Baby Angel Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Monday, April 18th, 2005
12:56 am	i sit here n i think y i cant fix all this. i feel like everythign good has been taken from me brutally n the more i do to get it back the less of a chance i havce of gettign it back. everyone thinks i look happier n healthier but its bullhsit. i act happy around ppl so they wont worry n shit on sam for hurting me. the truth is that i spent the last 3 months tricking myself to believe that im ok but im not. i cry everytime i think about sam. my cheast hurts whenever i think of him n amanda. i dont sleep cause i dream oh sam n i wake up crying... i miss himm soo much n i wish he would realize how scared i was oh loosing him.. that very thign is wat drove him away form me. im not happy. the worst is sam has someone to take him mind off me (not a hard task) but i dont have a chance of getting a guy.... guys aren't attracted to me because of my personality ( i dont know y the like my looks but w.e) i wish everythign would go back to the way they should be. the world should be me n sam together, being truthfull n honest! my parents relaxin n stop bugging me about not eating. it should be that me n sam r in love n mean the world to eachother. thats all gone now n i cant take it. i dont want to live in my house anymore. i alreayd have a plan of how to run away. hopefully soon ill ghave the money to go threw with it... until then ill keep crying, not eating n plastring a smile on my face. hopefully still: Baby Angel Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2005
4:30 pm	v-day n wat our love is now i realized toiday that ilove sam more then i thought. at first today i was mad cause i thought that he didn't want to spend it with me ... after his comment last night about skippin school n going straight to work n not seeing me. but when i saw him my heart just melted. i guess i expected to much in the begining cause last year he gave me the best surprise ever for valentines day n it was the best valentines day ever... i expected the same this year but i was stupid. i know hes low on cash n the last thing he needs is a whinny gf on v-day. but u knwo wat lying wiyh him today i felt soo safe n pretected n i was soo happy just sitting there. he seemed to enjoy it too... i know he would have liked somethign else better but my sis was there n everythign. im sorry sam. i loved today n i feel bad for expecting more. my only thing is that when he was leavin he made it sound like it was a chore to come see me on v-day... i dont know if i took it wrong or wat but w.e hes doubting everythign in our relationship n its making me do the same... i love him soo mcuh!! n there is no reason to doubt my feelings but i find im doubting his.. baby i love u .. thank you for today it was the best gift i could ever get. "we are all angels with only one wing and we can only fly by embrassing eachother." its the quote form the first letter u ever wrote me.. im listenign to aerosmith n im thinking of him n the first time we put on this song.. its been so long since the last time he surprised me like that or did somethign romantic... aww well.. i guess u loose that kinda love after a while. well i will always love him Current Mood: loved (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 13th, 2005
10:54 pm	i give up!! i dont know wat to do anymore seriously! last night i asked sam wat he was doing sunday night n he said nothign so he was suppost to call me after work to chill but guess wat happened... he ditched me.. didn't call just left work n went got high with fucking ashley n left me at home. oh n want to hear even better news?? hes not coming to school tomorw aka valentines day. its bad enough he is working at night n i was soo happy that i could see him at lunch but nooooo he wants to go to work instead! isn't it fun for me! im getting ditched by my own fucking bf on valentines day!!! valentines means alot to me n he wont even come to school to be with me... i even had a surprise set up for him but i cant do it now! so im cancelling it n i guess ill give him my present whenever he wants it. u know wat this is the worst valentines day ever!!!!!!!!! im getting ditched 2 days in a row! n the thing is is that i always get ditched for ashley.. ALWAYS! thats the only reaosn y i dont like her is because sam always ditches me for her... i bet if it came down to it he would choose ashley over me i have no doubt. n knowing that makes me soo upset cause i would put him before my friends but he would never do that for me. thats how i know he doesn't fully love me... i love him wiht all my heart.. i just wish he would respect me feelings a little more u know. like he ditched me completely tonight!! for ashley to smoke up! like i dont knwo wat to do. someone please tell me wat to do cause i dont know wat to do anymore. i love u sam. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Friday, February 11th, 2005
10:10 pm	life is soo confusin! for example how do u know when u annoying someone or if they love u?? for example... this afternoon i was out with sam n we saw his friend ashley.. he asks ashley to chill n then turns to me n asks if we were suppost to chill, i say yes then hes like ok u can come.. i dunno i feel like a burden for him or a drag or a pain in the butt. thats the thing i dont knwo when he accually wants to chill with me or if he just asking cause im there n he thinks ill get pissed or somethign. like i know im touchylike i know i am n i know it pisses the hell out of sam alot! but i dont knwo how to change like i would if i could.thats the thing i dont knwo how!! like it soubnds easy but i just care to much... i want to be with sam n i want to have the best relationship ever! i cant do that right now cause i am being pulled in directions. i love sam but he hates my rents. my rents USED to hate him but they accualy want to see him n he wont give it a chance! i want them to get along... i want to be able to see him during the week... i cant do that if he never comes ove.r. thats the rule! oh n by the way i was ditched tonight by sam... its 10:30 n sam got off work @ 8 n was suppost to call me n chill... i guess that was a bust n a waste of breath. 20 bucks says hes with ppl smoking up n talking. prob with someone that he can talk to n not me. he has been asking weird lately n he says he has alot on his mind n he seems like he can talk to everyone but me about it. he has things he needs to igure out n hes asking for advice from everyone BUT me!!! im his girlfriend n appartentyly he doesn't feel like he can come talk to me about it i dont know y its hard for him to tell me anythign but w.e .. like i dont knwo wat to do about it n stuff so watever i dont care... like if he doesn't want to talk to me about his problems then its his decision. i have to say now that tonight turned out to not be sams fualt. he got cuaght up at work n only got out at 10:30... sorry sam.. just ranting like a mother fucker right now. there soo much more on my miond but im too pissed type.. ill continue later Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 5th, 2004
12:02 am	i dont want to loss him. he wants a fuckin "break" and i cant take it! he's either with me and loves me and only me or he wants to fool around with other girls! he has to choose! i love him with all my heart and the dion thing was the WORST thing and ever time i forget about it and forgive myself sam brings it up again! i want him to love me and only me.. its not fair!!!! we've been together for a year and 3 months and he still wants to have a break! i thought we were past the confusion phase of our relationship! wats going to happen when ( he says if) we get married?? like i cant have him be " we've been married for a year.. i need a break!" like im in this relationship because i want him and only him and i dont want to do shit with anyone else! i love him... y doesn't he lo0ve me the same way?? im at the point that i love him and hot guys r just hot guys.. i dont have any physical attraction to them... maybe im not good enough for him? maybe im not pretty enough for him? maybe i dont satisfy him anymore? maybe he's doubting our relkationship? i dont know i just and soo pissed that he's still doubting us and our love!!! Y DOES HE NEED TO FOOL AROUND WHEN HE HAS ME!!!! babe: i love u n i want u to be mine always ... if u want a break have one for good cause i need someone that wont ask for a break ever 2 months!... please dont leave me.. i need u and i love u with all my heart! Current Mood: terrified (Comment on this)
Monday, November 22nd, 2004
10:22 pm	so 2 weeks until i go back to my own life... u would think this is a good thing... n it is but... at the same time it is the scariest thing that could happen. i am leaving the security of the program and have to go back to a school ful of ppl that helped my problem grow. it is sooo scary and i cant sleep im soo scared. i want to go n hide n never come out... ppl r going to ask and i dont want alot of questions... my baby is upset... n the thing is i cant fix it.. hes pissed and im scared he's going to hurt himself... i cant handle this! its not his fault but i cant sleep from the stress of school and im worried about him... i hate when he's upset and i sensed it for weeks now... i jsut want to help him. one side of me is soo happy and content with life and my new view on everything... bnut underneath im scared, stress, worried and hjust a wreck! im going back to school in 2 weeks and im so nervous i dont know wat way is up. baby feel better and please.. oh g-d please... be safe and be happy cause when seeing me doesn't help at all.. thing r seriously wrong or maybe our relationship has changed to make it that we dont brighten eachothers lives... u do for me but i dont for u... please be safe and be hapopy again. im goign to go ly in my bed and wait for the sun to rise.,. put on a smile and float through the day on a black cloud. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Monday, November 15th, 2004
10:29 pm	fuck i hate my parents! they dont understanmd a joke between two people!! i fucking self respect! they wont let me talk to rave_n ever again cause they think he's really going to fuck me! "fuck ya later" is a joke!! they dont fuckiong understand that! they think that they can forbid me from talking to hinm! fuck i hate them! i can promise u that they will bring this up tomorrow and destroy my chances of ever getting out early from the program! fuck i hate them so much! Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 6th, 2004
10:58 pm	fuck the world wat the fuck is wrong with everyone!! its like my whole life goes well for a whole hour at most and then comes crashing down!! first my rents... wat the fuck do they want from me... i follow the meal plan and all i hear is " that's too much sam" but its not! they make me feel so fat and obesse! i want to restrict and show them that i can eat less and be they're perfect daughter, skinny, smart and perfect...i cant be perfect anymore! its to hard on my body and soul...i want to screw up once and not be yelled and lerctured about it! but lately i've been doing alot of screwing up. for example my bb: i have a feeling he's questioning our relationship and i know it's because of me. im depressed all the time and i cry every day and i rant to him evry time i see him, i am never happy! but its because my life is so fucked up right now i am super protective about him and right now he's at a club danceing with oither girls and i trust him but he has soo many reasons to cheat on me. for all that i've put him through since we've been going out and all the depression ive p[ut on him.. he has every right to cheat on me. but i cant explain the heart ache it costs me when i think of him and another girl danceing together... another girl touching his body, another girl pressing against him...another girl getting the care and love he gives me... and i was sleeze to try to get him to come to hairspray! i cancelled with my parents and aunts because i felt so horrible about useing it as a way to get him from going to the club! im a horrible person and i deserve to be stabbed! inm sure i can see it another time... life sux ass big time! but oh my baby boi: he;'s the only person i trust and makes me happy these days. i would not be where i am today without him... i wouold be in the hospital quicker then u could say "ensure" but i know if i do he would be disappointed in mne and i dont want that... i can do this but not without him. my parents are bitching and yelling at me consitly and my friends not see me anymore... im not despreate but right now i need the support and the love. this program is killing me and i dont know wat to do. baby boi: i love u and im sorry im so depressed but the program is depressing and its a struggle everyday. everytime i speak, everytime i eat.. its lkike fighting the devil( well a demon inside) please forgive me for all this and i will try to perk up! ur my baby and i love u soo much fuck the world fuck the people watch the blood run from my vains staining my skin forever more take that bitch Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
10:45 pm	paralyzed from eyes down. i feel like im paralyzed from the eyes down. i can hear and see everything and i can think like normal but i cant move my body or speak. my life is going on around me, spinning out of control and i cant stop it. BB is working all day at co op studying all night at night school and working friday-sunday at silver to make some money. and im soo soo proud of him and i couldn't be happier but everyonce and a while i relize wat that means : very little time to be together and i also know wat that means : sam is going to break up with me. its not that he doesn't love me cause i know he does but he doesn't have time for a relationship espically with me. im high depanding and need alot of help and support right now and im scared that he will break up with me and " just be friends". i cant handle that right now. i need someone and hes all i trust! i soo proud of him and will be supportive. so baby if u read this, please remember i love u and if u have to break up with me i will try my best to stand tall ( 8i cant make promises) im soo proud of u and will support u through thick and thin. \ "ill love u forever ill love u for always cause as long as im living my baby ull be" Current Mood: numb (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
10:49 pm	sorry hey baby.. i jusst read u hjournall... n im sorry ive been pickin fights with u lately... please 4give me and ill promise im workin on not fightin with u.. i jsut get really touchy and stuff because of everything.,.please forgive me.. n im soo scared that im pushin u away. i love u and im soo sorry please.. we need to talk about this soon... before i go in to rehab if possible. i love u soo much and dont leave me.. im sorry im touchy ..ill work on it (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
10:26 pm	this is for my baby. dear baby im soo sorry... i never ment to be so .. depressed all the time with u. i love u soo much. i realized something today. that u trust me enough to always come back to u. n i will always cause i love u to the bottom of ur heart..i will not cheat on u anymore i promise!!!i had a stupid crush on dion and with mike it was to just end it once n for all. ok ur the only one for me and i cant od this to u again. i love u and i need a closed relationship. if u do cheat on me as long as u kiss me and hug me and promise to be mine forever ( this is only for if ur a. drunk b.high c.both) n i love u soo much... i know my depression is out of control and i read somethign that might help. but for my sake please i need our relationship closed. i could never break up with u. ur my boy and no one can take u away form me. take my apology and close our relationship now and forever. i really need this baby and need this relationshp to be ours and forget about my stupid mistakes. call me after u read this and tell me ull agree love ur baby (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
9:55 pm	"since the begining of time men have been idiots!" guys in general r stupid... its just how they r. girls on the other hand r smarter then men and keep thier men in line. my man is usually smart about wat he says. he always makes me laugh and makes sure that im not living a fantasy savin me from a crash and burn when i realize this lesson on my own. tonight my man made a stupid decision. he came over and told me i was the top of his list but then he goes to chill with his friend that HATES me leavein me alone in my room crying while i hold lucy closer to me tryin to imagine that she was my dear boi. i called him after a halfan hour of ballin to the point that i could not breath and my cheast was hurtin. now usually if he left me to go chill with the "bitch that's name is not to be told" i would be fine but it was the fact that i was depressed as ever and that i had indeed been trying to reach him all day to ask if i could see him tonight. all i want is my baby boi to come and hold me and never let go. he heals all wounds, he takes away all pain, he makes me smile but most of all he takes away the voice. the voice use to be my friend and now i see its desroyin me slowly. it is welcomin but deadly and never leaves me alone unless i visit it and follow its requests. but when im with my baby the voice leaves me alone and i feel free finally and its the best feelin when the voice is gone. baby i need u! save me from the voice. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 11th, 2004
7:34 pm	omg i hate this! ok yesterday was bb's birthday and we went clubbin.. he danced with another girl and i saw them together and it felt like he ripped out my heart and just ripped it in half. i thought that they were being overexatrated when they say u can really feel it rippin but after i saw his hands on another i felt it rip. i was soo upset i felt sick. i felt like just going over there and slappin her and tellin her fuckin get away from by guy and punchin her out! but if he wanted to dance with other girls then i wasn't going to show it... my heart still hurts and i cry everytime i think about it... y would he do that right in front of me?? i love him so much and i would never in front of him.. i danced with a guy for 2 seconds and pushed him off me... the guy waited for me and i came back and walked right past him and grabbed sam off the girl he was dancing with and made out with him right there... baby i love n u broke my heart.. i need u too mend it .. i love u soo much and i need someone to help me.. help me please.. i need u soo bad.. its still ripped and hurting more then ever.. RIPP MY HEART OUT AND AND FEED IT THE DOGS.,.. CAUSE IT HURTS MORE WITH THIS OPEN RIP STILL IN MY BODY REMINDING ME EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY THAT MY BABY HURT ME Current Mood: heartbroken (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 27th, 2004
12:33 pm	betrayed i cant believe this.. i just read bb's entry and its liek a stak went through my heart. i cant help him appartently only "smurfy" understands him and he wants to talk to them and not me. im supost to me his best friend his gf and the person he goes for advice! but appartently he doesn't need me as much as i need him. i need him right nhow like i need air. he needs me like he needs chain. im there for decoration but isn't esental for him to live. i want to talk to him and help him through this but he doesn't want me. like y does he need smurf more then me.. i called him when he was writing the entry and he said he didn't want to talk but on the end of the entry he needs to talk to smurf!! wats up with that! it makes no sense! i think he's starting to stop loving me anymore. he doesn't need me in his life and doesn't talk to me and treat me the same as before. ever since he's been pulling 2 jobs its been chaos. he never calls, he doesn't need to talk to me, never wants to go out, and doesn't try to see me anymore like he use to. he would skip work, walk or bike to my house and now he says " i dont have the car sorry" like i miss him and i feel that im the only one wanting this relationship!! i want this relationship but to have a relationship he has to but in a effort!!! i miss my old baby boi! baby when u read this please call me .. for once pleease care about this. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
7:53 pm	omg best day ever! omg i so needed today! man getting "tipsy" omg was amazing!! i skipped 2 periods!!! holly and omg! i got so much play and it was like no probs anywhere!!! i wish i could hav that more often!! .. i swear im like an acholic!! " hi im sam and im an alcoholic thanxz to dion!!!" hahahahahah i love it! but the sucky part is that the second one didn't do anything!!:( sorry baby for today!! i gave him a peak on the cheek!! it was cause he whooped! n i didn;t do it to u cause i knwo u hate when i do that cause it bugs u!! i love u soo much!!!! thanx for today i needed it! Current Mood: refreshed (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 29th, 2004
10:16 am	this is BA. sma will write his journal later this week. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
10:25 pm	i miss my hellhound!!!! oy.. my bb is gone n wont be back til friday n the stress is too much for me to handle. 2 tests, 2 projects, 4 exams, dance recital, dance rehersals, pictures for dance... urgh too muich.. n parties n friedns! i think my heads going to explode!! urg n my stomach isn't flat anymore n im getting my belly button done in a week... omg! pointe, study, porjects, sit-ups, stretchs, contracts, eating, dance lessons, all packed in to the hours between 4-10... not EASY!! i miss my baby boi.. he always helps releave my stress even if its just calling me or huggin gme... the best is when he kisses me ,.... he jsut knows how to make all my fears n stress go away i miss his kisses... his hugs.. his love to make every problem go away... I MISS HIM! hugs and kisses: Samela Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)